Hey, thank you so much for meeting up with me on such short notice. I know you're super busy with your life and such but I just didn't know who else to turn to. Drinks are on me, I'll have a hot chocolate and you just pick whatever tickles your fancy.
So as you know I have been working real hard on my content creation trying to branch out and network. I am having trouble though.
You know when a breeze blows through and you feel it for a second but that's about it? It's just gone and forgotten you don't even remember if it actually happened. Well that's how I have been feeling lately, like a breeze.
I wasn't sure whom to talk to about this because I am not sure anyone would truly understand but maybe you can see where I am coming from? and maybe even offer advice on what I can do better?
Great!
Networking is quite difficult these days for me. I feel like there are so many groups and cliques and if you are not presenting a certain way no one wants to interact with you or they'll interact with you to save face but the moment someone of higher statue? value? importance? shows up you become a breeze, if that, maybe you become a puff of air.
I know some people don't do it intentionally but when it happens and you are aware of it, it hurts a lot.
Sometimes I hope it's my own anxiety speaking, maybe the depression with a sense of wanting to belong to something greater but not finding anywhere I am accepted.
It actually reminds me of the days of old in High School being a floater, someone who was friends with everyone but belonged to no social group in particular. Everyone either knew you by name or by face, you always seemed to avoid trouble, was tight with administration, and often a witness/helping hand to other people in trouble. However, when things went down no one really thought about you when you need them most. You just wore a smile and fought through your own issues solo.
Every so often I think about myself as the black, transgender woman I am and how different I look and present to may of the other people I associate with. Maybe that's the root of the problem? I am not conventionally attractive, I don't sis this and sis that, I don't and I oop all the time. I would love to be that kind of out going sunshine of personality some days but that's just not me you know? I am this introverted soul who loves putting her all into projects that take over her mind, thinking about goals hardcore and how one day I want to be that Beyonce or that Viola Davis. Let my talents and accomplishments speak for me.
That is hard to do though when you feel so alone.
I guess what I am getting at is what am I doing wrong? If anything? Am I just being too hard on myself because I feel like I am not getting everything right on the first try? Am I not applying myself enough? Or do I not have enough of myself out there to even lay the foundation for people to discover who I am?
It eats me up some days that I just can't figure it out. I share this in hopes that someone else, maybe you feel the same way sometimes? I don't know. What I do know is that I will continue to work as hard as I have been if not harder to either find a space to grow in or as many powerful people before me, make my own space and invite people who have and do feel the same way as me.
Thank you so much for listening I don't want to take too much of your time. I am glad we are friends and I can share this with you.
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